I have been meaning to write about some of the emotions of motherhood I have been experiencing lately. I don't know if these are common, or if I am in the minority here. Either way, every once in a while I feel such a strong pull at my heart it makes me stop and wonder if my mother felt this way too.

When Charlotte was a tiny baby I would get sad just looking at her. It is hard to explain, but I saw so much innocence and vulnerability in her sleepy face, wrinkled hands, round belly, and sweaty little feet. I just knew that this would dissapear one day and I would be left with only memories. Now as she is older and is starting to become very social, I feel a new pang of sadness. She wants to separate herself from me, but at the same time I am her favorite playmate. While watching her interact with other kids, I can't help but wonder how she will fare in school socially. When I started school, I was sensitive and it showed like a huge bullseye on my back. The other sensitive kids were drawn to me, while the kids who wanted to dominate saw me as another springboard to acceptance. I have many painful memories of childhood along with many wonderful memories. As a mother, I want my daughter to have more of the latter because those painful memories burn far hotter than the good ones. But how can I do this? I can't, and this is hard for me to accept.

My goal is to help her develop a positive sense of self. As I watch her interact with other kids, she boldly displays her innocence and wonder of the world around her. Holding her arms out wide to accept another child without fear of judgment or ridicule makes me smile. I know that these moments, just like earlier moments in her life, will be short-lived.